Brats, Bimbos and the sick Bollywood
“आपका दिमाग ज़िंदा है तो इसमें हमें कोई ऐतराज़ नहीं है मगर बॉलीवुड ज़िंदाबाद था ज़िंदाबाद है और ज़िंदाबाद रहेगा” — ढाई किलो का हाथ
“I was born intelligent and self-gratification is my birthright” — Swara Ab Baskar
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**Satire/sarcasm disclaimer. Don’t proceed if you easily get offended**
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It’s true. Our worst nightmare has finally come true. Covid-19 can proudly boast of its most prized victim. “Bollywood”, the excitement in our groin and the intellect on our kneecaps, is on a ventilator. Point your ears towards the Parliament and you can also hear the heart’s murmur. After all, it is the most pressing issue bothering the billion plus citizens. Economics, covid-19, and Indo-China conflict are trivial in comparison. Sadly, no one seems to be shedding a tear. No one is praying for its recovery. What has happened to us, the benevolent and know-it-all inhabitants of the internet? Bollywood needs our support. Remember the movie Amar, Akbar, Anthony that put secularism above science and laid the foundation of the secular fabric of our society. That iconic blood transfusion scene lingers on my mind. It is time we replay that scene today. Bollywood is today’s Nirupa Roy and we are the Amars, Akbars or Anthonys. Bollywood needs our blood.
Yes, Bollywood has a blood group, its N+ve. No, I am not alluding to “Nepotism” here. Narcissism runs through its jocular veins and gaudy arteries. Its main nourishment comes from netizens. One hoped that during the lockdown Bollywood would have had plentiful but sadly, that’s not the case. Sadak-2 trailer has more than 12 million dislikes on the Youtube and an IMDB rating of 1. It seems Raju Hirani’s Sanju did not help. What is the point of making movies on legends then? And then you expect Bollywood to make movies on the likes of Phalke, Ramanujan and Dhyanchand. What is the point of making a movie on someone when the audience won’t get it? We deserve movie on Azhar. Imagine the mental health of Baba Dutt and Baby Alia. Hope they stay strong. I will support them even if that means dislikes and unfollowers.
I miss the 90s. Life was so good and innocent back then. No one gave a damn about nepotism. We devoured every shit that was served to us without any discrimination whatsoever. It did not matter who was Karishma Kapoor born to and what is Govinda’s IQ. We grew up watching Saif Ali Khan Pataudi struggle and rise his way up to win the National award for best acting as his proud mother co-incidentally clapped as the CBFC chairman. Today his daughter must struggle as well as she traverses one end of the city to the other to beg a director who makes a living by blowing four wheelers. Who said nepotism is easy? Rahul Gandhi is still struggling. Scindia is hopping from one party to another. Tushar Kapoor lost his voice and Abhishek is still trying to make a mark in Bollywood after 20 years of his debut with Taimur’s mom.
People say that the fact that even the daughter of Chunky Pandey and son of Aditya Pancholi got big budgeted movies, speaks of the rampant nepotism pervasive in Bollywood. No, I must say. The fact that even Chunky’s daughter could get an opportunity, means Bollywood is fair. How easily have we forgotten Bollywood’s immense contribution to our lives and projection of India’s soft power? Bollywood taught us that life is all about songs, dance and tears. Bollywood made us dream big. Who would have thought that ISI and RAW could come together for the greater good of the society? How can one also miss reverse international love-jihad when Tara uprooted a tube-well and eloped with Sakina in broad day light as the friendly neighbours watched in amazement?
Working in the industry is not easy. It takes a toll on the body and soul. One has to shoot for multiple films, travel abroad, attend marriages for money, do world tours, do drugs, and amidst all these, find time to tweet. No wonder Salman bhai felt like a ‘ ’ woman. I feel so bad to have misunderstood him. My opinion of him has changed since my last write-up. I apologize to all the Sallu’s fans who trolled me back then. I am changed man now. Covid-19 has helped a lot. I cannot hate bhai because I cannot diss Andaz Apna Apna. उसके लिए उनके सात खून माफ़: 6 footpath dwellers and one black buck.
If few innocent hard-working young individuals took refuge in chemical substances what is wrong with that? Work pressure can make us all take extreme steps. Let the boys relieve themselves. Why take pleasure from their lives when they work tirelessly for our pleasure? Remember, Bollywood provides employment to thousands of people. Drug peddlers also have families to care for. As Bollywood is lying sick, I ask the netizens how they can forget the legends of Bollywood who are the reel heroes and not the ones who bombed Balakot. One should see it to believe it. I am witness to Sallu bhai’s exploits as a RAW agent. He is my real hero. But he is not the only one.
** Salim and Javed are my heroes who laid the foundation for Sachar committee by showing us the plight of muslims in india.
** Ranveer Singh who exhibited the limitless possibilities of Sindhi fashion by wearing atrocious attires to remove the distinction between men and women’s wear.
** Feminist actresses who have bought great insights into women liberation movement in India. If one could lock Sonam Kapoor, Alia Bhatt and Swara Bhaskar in a room, it would generate enough power to illuminate the town of feminism for about 10,00,000 microseconds. Mind you, we have not included intelligent outsiders like Tapsee Pannu, the engineer who made it to the Bollwood (She was selected by Infosys. Only a quarter million can boast of being Infoscion currently). Pity those ignorant people who think these actresses are dumb.
** Shahrukh Khan who showed the world how to romance by stretching one’s limbs and straining other’s IQ.
** Anupam Kher, who told us that प्राइम मिनिस्टर की तारीफ करो तो लाइफ में कुछ भी हो सकता है। पद्मा भूषण भी मिल सकता है।
** Akshay Kumar who gave the world the famous Canadian quote “Early to bed, early to rise, makes one healthy and wealthy, but not necessarily wise.” He also told NRIs across the globe that a passport is just a piece of paper. A big sigh of relief to million NRIs. He is the greatest nationalistic hero ever born, surpassing Manoj Kumar. “Period” !
** Ekta aunty who made sure sex as a subject is no longer a taboo; she is trying to make it an obsession. More sex “power” to her.
** Karan Johar who did so much for the LGBT community by serving us crude gay jokes. He is also the one who encourages openness in family. Remember AIB roast where he shared a comedy gig with his mother? Young generation can today openly share a laugh at someone’s expense. You are an inspiration to many stand-up acts KJo.
** Kangana Ranaut जो की साक्षात् भारत माता का स्वरुप है. High hopes on her. She is fearless, effortless, and sometimes pointless. I hope she becomes the second woman prime minister of India. Pakistan and China will shiver with that thought.
I could go on and on. So, tell me where is Nepotism? Where are the bimbos? The nation wants to know. Will you not go to great extent to settle your kids? Then why blame Bollywood? (As far as my children are concerned they will choose the easy way. They will install whitehat Jr and become tomorrow’s CEOs)
Get well soon Bollywood. I cannot wait for 2021’s biggest blockbusters: Dabangg 4 and Tiger Ab Sharminda hai. Come 2024 and I would want to know why people should not vote for BJP from Anurag Kashyap and why they should, from Vivek Agnihotri? And lastly, I want KJo to have coffee with his friends again so that I can know who Rakesh Roshan’s son thinks is the worst actor out of these four: David Dhawan’s son, Pankaj Kapoor’s son, Amitabh Bachchan’s son, Rishi Kapoor’s son?
Forever a bhai’s fan
हुड हुड दबंग दबंग दबंग
